The twists and turns of life

Hello and welcome.  I am a 47 year old single mum of 3 kids, one now a teen, one on the cusp and one a tween.  I live in the North of England although I am from the South.  How I ended up here is a tale in itself.  It was sold to me as a fresh start, a new life, a chance to be happy.  Funny how life turns out.

When I lived in London (as I did for 10 years) I felt lonely.  Life threw lots of curveballs at me – very sick mum (ovarian cancer for 5.5 years), babies, giving up work, (ex) husband becoming seriously ill on our wedding day (postponed – rescheduled for 8 weeks later, mum died two weeks before – death, funeral, wedding – that messed with my head time has made me realise).  But in London one expects to feel lonely I think – it’s that kind of place.

So the move was an opportunity for leaving the past and starting anew.  But three years of trying to salvage an already dead marriage, I have now been on my own for seven years.

During this time, there has been much contemplation, thinking about what I could have done differently, trying to keep all the balls in the air and not lose my mind – which I have done more than once.  My life is here, purely I feel, to bring up my lovely children.  When they leave to embark on their own path (as they must) I have no idea what I will do or where I will go.  The World is my oyster, as is said, but all I really want is to feel safe and loved.

Don’t get me wrong, I have made some good friends but my crazed mind often says ‘which of these people will you actually stay in touch with once you go somewhere else?’ and I feel let down and forgotten a lot of the time.  Life is busy in this age – people are rushing here and there, forgetting to be kind and support those on their doorstep.  I hear often about friends wanting to ‘do good’ for others, which is quite rightly commendable, but I do wonder sometimes why they don’t want to ‘do good’ for me, their friend, who struggles most days to even get out of bed.

This blog is a way of me talking in the hope that I can appease some of the loneliness I feel daily and get stuff out of my head.  I have no expectations (of anything or anyone anymore) that it will bring me what I desire but I do think it will be my friend.  What I write may sometimes be ramblings, what I write may sometimes be sensible.  But I feel I must write, get things out, find some clarity.

There are many many lonely people in the World today and many many people much much worse off than me.  I feel blessed, I have trained myself to be thankful and positive.  I am a kind person, if I can help I will.  But I know my limits and it’s been a battle to learn those limits.  Friends have walked away from me – they don’t know how to deal with someone who has mental health problems.  They don’t know that sometimes all I need is some help, to get some shopping, to sit with me in the evening, to bring a takeaway and watch a film, to make me understand they care.  In the Winter months I hibernate.  A year ago I was very unwell, I hid daily from the World, I did what I had to to keep life ticking along: worked hard, looked after the kids, got up.  But I was actually feeling utterly alone, wretched, self-hating.  A year on, I love myself again, I look after myself a little better, I hardly drink.  But I am still lonely and feel alone most of the time.

If I sound self-pitying, that is not where this is coming from.  As one friend says ‘you are the least needy person i know’.  I do not moan or wail ‘poor me!’ or ask for much.  I try and live each day positively, be kind, smile, think of others.  But I do wonder how I ended up here …post

Why sevenyearsstillsingle?

Because by now I thought I wouldn’t be.  But I am.  The first few years of separation and divorce you listen to all those around you saying ‘you’ll meet someone soon’, ‘you’re gorgeous’, ‘it’s won’t be long’ etc etc etc.

It’s all bollocks and empty words.  People mean well but they are clueless.

All around me people have separated, become widowed (that’s another post for another time) and I can honestly, HONESTLY tell you, I am the only one who is still single.  So what’s wrong with me, my crazy brain asks?  Nothing my sane brain replies.  But the facts are there – it’s becoming embarrassing.